Ministry Preparation Project: Incorporating the Family into Seminary Education
Part 1: Family Integration Reflection
Incorporating the Family into Seminary Education
While reading the dissertation from Benjamin Forrest, How to Stay Christian in Seminary, Family to Family, and watching the team videos in the course, I was convicted by the Holy Spirit in many areas. The first main issue I would like to write about is the aspect of how to incorporate the family into my seminary education. There are innumerable needs in my family. I will reflect on four needs that require immediate attention. The first need is isolation.[1] The second need is the spiritual formation of prayer time with my spouse. Thirdly, the need for unconditional love and undivided attention. Lastly, incorporating family Bible time, prayer, and journaling. There are many more, however, I will only write about four, beginning with isolation.
Isolation
Benjamin Forrest wrote about seminary spouses feeling isolated from the student’s education and how that isolation was a detractor to their spiritual formation.[2] Before I began seminary, my husband and I spoke about me entering the next phase of God’s calling on our lives. Since I am the studious one between the two of us, naturally I would be the one to enter school. From our first conversation about seminary, he was afraid that it would take too much time away from him and his needs would not be met. Although he did not feel it was the right time for me to enter seminary, I felt a strong urge from the Lord to enter. I know God had a plan and a hierarchy of leadership in the believer’s home, that I am to submit to my husband as unto the Lord; I should not have entered in without his expressed permission. Deep inside, I was afraid that if I did not listen to the prompting from the Lord, it would not become a reality.
From the first week of seminary, my husband has complained about how much time it is taking away from him. Although, we are together all the time. He feels his needs are not being met. It has been a struggle to include him in the team videos or have him participate in any part of my education. I strangely am on the opposite end of this phenomenon. In team video 4, with John and Debra Druden; Debra spoke about being pregnant in a new town and feeling isolated. She had no family in that town and had not made friends yet. Her husband was in school, meeting new people and busy with the business of school.[3] I, on the other hand, am isolated in my bedroom while my husband “gives me space” to get my schoolwork done. I have told him that he is more than invited to study with me. I am also isolated because I am still figuring out how to balance school and life. Note to self: taking two classes at the same time is unwise. My husband and I must get out of the house, participate in group meetings at the church and regularly attend a weekend service as a remedy for isolation.
Spiritual Formation of Prayer Time with Spouse
Team Video 7, with David and Debbie Wheeler; David warns against the spouse as an unwilling participant. Both student and spouse are called, both student and spouse must participate. God calls us both into ministry together and it is the calling that keeps us together, in ministry as well. If the spouse refuses to participate, seminary is impossible.[4] I am praying for my husband in spiritual warfare. Jonathan Parnell and David Mathis wrote a great book, How to Stay Christian in Seminary. Although this book is written for the husband as a seminarian, I simply changed the wordage to fit my situation. I have been praying the “Ten things to pray for your wife” for my husband.[5] He is going through health and physical issues that are causing depression and anxiety in him like I have never seen. He is putting great pressure on me to fill needs that only God can fill. However, his depression is keeping him from choosing to spend time with the one he knows will heal him. Instead of me expecting him to pray or pray with me, I must take the initiative to pray either with him or over him (hands on).
Unconditional Love and Undivided Attention
I have communicated to God about the situation we are in and how he wants me to handle it. I desire for my husband to be involved with my education, but he does not even want to be involved in life (not that he wants to commit suicide, but his physical pain keeps him from actively participating in our lives). God distinctly spoke to me immediately after I prayed. He whispered, “undeserved love.” He directed me to many verses. The first verse, “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8).[6] He then led me to another verse, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8). He continued, but I am not going to write every verse he took me to. I am just going to disclose that there were many. He wants me to make love, a verb, by being available and tending to his tender and hurting soul. If God wants me to do this, he will grant me extra time for schoolwork and other responsibilities. I must love him unconditionally as Christ has loved me unconditionally. This can be accomplished with creative and intentional undivided attention. In God’s timing, the love that I show my husband will help God heal him from the inside out (spirit, mind, and body).
Family Bible Reading, Prayer, and Journaling
I have also had the privilege to lead my 12-year-old daughter to Christ, through one of my evangelism paper requirements to witness to my ‘Jerusalem,’ with the intention of leading someone in my neighborhood or family to Christ. This necessary endeavor had crossed my mind before I started seminary. I asked my daughter if she wanted to be baptized because I had assumed that she already gave her heart to Christ. We raised her in church, she attended a pre-school at church and we served together as a family. It never occurred to me that she might not have given her life to Christ and invited him into her heart to be her Savior. When I was praying about who God wanted me to witness to, he told me without hesitation, Keilah (my daughter). My eyes opened wide. In one of my textbooks, the authors wrote that there are four “signs of accountability” that “a child must understand in order to surrender his or her life to Christ.”[7] I called my daughter into my room and asked her those questions. By her answers, she was ready. There was no hesitation on her part. As a matter of fact, when asked if she wanted Jesus in her heart she said, “ABSOLUTELY!” Jesus changed her heart that day. Since then, we have been spending time every day for Bible reading, prayer, and journaling. It has been a joy to include her in my education.
Incorporating the Family into Ministry: Present and Future
In Team Video 5 and my experiences in life, I have learned that, if I am going to be a positive influence for my family, I must first be a positive influence on myself.[8] There are many issues and character defects that the Lord and I are currently working on. However, to be more consistent in my spiritual formation there are immediate actions that must take place. Intimate Bible reading and prayer time must become consistent, uninterrupted, and first. I must find a spiritual mentor that can help the Lord elevate my spiritual perspective. Lastly, I must start attending the women’s bible study at church to forge, cultivate and maintain accountability relationships. This is what the Lord has planned for my protection, spiritual formation, and growth.
As this is becoming consistently part of my spiritual life, the family is included. When writing about the issue of incorporating the family into ministry there are several steps that need to be taken. Pipes and Lee have the plan laid out perfectly. The first step is to develop a personal and family mission statement. Secondly, keep the mission statement as a focal point in all our thoughts and actions in the world. Lastly, Sharing the message with others and creating opportunities for the children to practice sharing.[9] Having Jesus as the center or head of the family will only create a healthy and thriving family life.
Develop a Personal and Family Mission Statement
The Dempsey’s make it clear that it is most imperative to “(1) know your purpose and your God given calling on your life. (2) To know your spiritual gifts and to use them. (3) Use your spiritual gifts to serve together in church and ministry.”[10] My husband and I agree, due to the infidelity I committed, and the promise from God to turn all things good; our mission or calling in life is to fill the incredible need to help hurting marital couples know the resurrection power of God in an intimate way. Making this available to all hurting couples at an affordable cost, free. After all, did Jesus charge admission for the crowds to hear him teach? No, of course not. God will provide all our needs, as in Phil. 4:19, “My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory.” Since my husband and I already have a personal mission, next step is to “develop a family mission statement.”[11] As Pipes and Lee wrote, “A family mission statement is a way for a healthy family to make Christ’s priorities its priorities. What is most important? Why is it most important?”[12] If there is no focus or direction for the family, the family cannot grow in a healthy way. The individuals in the family will be left to find their own direction and purpose. Developing the mission statement together, each individual contributing will produce a feeling of ownership.[13]
Family Mission Statement as a Focal Point
After the mission statement is developed, it is time to apply it in our everyday lives. Pipes and Lee wrote, “Healthy families spend quantity and quality time around God’s purposes.”[14] We will print the statement out in different sticky formats and stick it to our notebooks, folders, on the wall anywhere that will be easily seen throughout the day. This mission statement will lead us to ministry/servant evangelism. Jesus is the head and the focal point. We spend time with him intimately and corporately, developing a desire to love and tell others. That is where evangelism comes in. There is plenty to do right here in our neighborhood. Our spiritual gifts are hospitality via food preparation and delivery. We have done this before, and the children have come to expect it. We have a tradition in our home. We love to bake breads, wrap them with a bow and a Bible verse, then deliver them house by house. In fact, the neighbors have come to expect it as well. This tradition has opened doors to conversations that we would not have had otherwise. We also enjoy preparing a meal for an unsuspecting family. Jesus loves others through our food, and we have the privilege to prepare, observe and share. This ministry is fulfilling in more ways than one and the children look forward to being involved.
Sharing the Message
Our family’s motto is “If we are doing church right, everywhere we go is church.” This means that when we go anywhere, we are available for any opportunity Jesus presents to us for sharing the message. It starts out as a simple approach, such as, “Hi, I saw your beard and wanted to say that you look like Jesus.” My husband has a beard and a jolly face. Complete strangers come up to him and start a conversation. This leads us to asking them if they have any prayer requests that they would like us to pray for them. Most people respond in surprise, and always produce something to pray for. There have been times that we pray with them after we ask. There are other times that the question leads us into a deep spiritual conversation straight to Jesus. Then, there are times that the person just said no and walks away as fast as they can. They make us laugh, then we pray for them anyway. Jesus is the only way we have found to have lasting happiness and joy in this world. He fills us up and makes us whole in this house. He creates a cohesive unit for his glory.
Conclusion
Throughout this course, I have gleaned much information pertaining to changes that need to be made in me, practical applications to develop in my family and applications to develop for our present and future ministry. The books, Family to Family, How to Stay Christian in Seminary, the dissertation by Forrest and the team videos have enhanced my learning and piqued my interest. I learned that isolation is not God’s plan and is unhealthy for the family. I learned that I must stay connected with Jesus, my spouse, and my church to stay healthy spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Prayer must be a central focus for my husband and I to stay intimate in our relationship with the Lord and each other. I learned that my husband must feel unconditional love from me by creative and intentional undivided attention. My children must also know that they are important and need me to nurture their physical and spiritual needs.
The family portion of this section has clearly marked out defined ways to become a healthy family on mission together. As a family unit, we must develop a family mission statement and keep it as a focal point in our thoughts and actions. We will do this by sticking the statement to notebooks, folders, or anything that each member will be able to see many times throughout each day. This will lead us to mission/servant evangelism. We find great satisfaction as a family, to serve our neighbors and show the love of Christ. Now we need to creatively pursue more opportunities to do so. Sharing the message to total strangers, family, friends, and neighbors has the greatest output of gratification, laughter, and prayer in our experience as a family. We are human, and there are many times that we have missed opportunities to share because of the rush of life. But when we slow down, and not allow the rush of life to dictate our actions, it is pleasing and refreshing to our soul. It is funny how Jesus does that. While we are ministering to others, he refreshes our soul in the process. He is simply amazing to me.
Part 2: The Interview
In this section of the ministry project, I was responsible for interviewing my husband. I asked him a series of questions, verbatim, pertaining to his perspective on our mission, my personal strengths and weaknesses, opportunities stemming from seminary and threats stemming from seminary. In the paragraphs to follow, I will summarize, paraphrase, and quote my husband’s answers during our interview conversation.
Seminary Experience
To begin the interview, I explained to him why I felt led into seminary. There is a great demand for marital couples and how to stay together in the wake of a disaster. God gave us a vision of traveling and evangelizing to those marital couples. Plus, to give us credibility in our mission, I believe God wanted me to enter seminary. He agreed but had an issue regarding my timing. I have always had an issue either second guessing myself or failing to act in a timely manner (in God’s timing.) He did not appreciate the fact that I never received expressed permission or agreement from him that the right time was now. Contrarily, he argued against it.
I know that my place in the hierarchy of the God-centered home requires submission to his final decision. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (Eph. 5:21-22). It may have been subconscious. In retrospect, I know I intentionally refused to wait. In our past, I have felt led by God to action and was deterred by my husband’s “it’s not the right time” attitude, for it to never happen. The calling on our lives is so strong in me, that I refused to not act when I felt the Lord tell me, “GO.” Now that I am in seminary school, I can see that it really was not the right time. Unless the reason we are going through so many hardships right now is because I entered seminary. The Druden’s warn about this in Team Video 4. The devil hates that I am in seminary and is attacking us from every angle possible. It is imperative now that I war in prayer for my husband. Parnell’s list of 10 prayers is what I pray, every day.[15] Next, we dove into his perspective about my personal strengths.
Personal Strengths
When I asked him about my personal strengths, he produced a longer list than I expected. He stated that when I set my mind on something, I am determined to accomplish it. He continued declaring my perseverance, hope, generosity, kindness, that I am caring, loving and bold (which can both be an asset or defect.) He told me that we balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses. That when I am intentional in my relationship with Jesus and connected spiritually, my spirit is strong. He sees great love for the Lord in me when I sing to him, and he is delighted to watch and listen. He suggested that I pray for discernment to hone these strengths concerning my motives, timing, where my commitment lies and what is truly necessary. He would like me to have more consideration for him when I want to help others or fill a need. Sometimes he feels that I put other needs before his. I must remember that my first mission field is in my home. My strengths will help me as a student to rely on God and press through what is impossible until I have accomplished the goal. I stopped and prayed before this next section, we were heading straight toward my weaknesses, and I can be sensitive in this area. I prayed for his ability to communicate with them in a gentle way and for me to be able to accept his criticism.
Personal Weaknesses
It was time to ask him about my personal weaknesses and I was ready, spiritually. When I asked him his perspective on my personal weaknesses, he looked at me and asked, “Are you kidding me? Is this a trap?” I assured him that I was willing to hear whatever he had to say and that I would simply listen (while typing out his answers, of course.) He was barely convinced yet went ahead with the interview.
He started by telling me that he could tell that I have been working hard at bettering myself and collaborating with the Lord on past issues that have plagued me. I thanked him. I felt that was a sweet way to begin. He went on to tell me that time management is a critical issue currently, patience, diplomacy, being a peace maker. Regarding my housewifery skills, there is a small amount. I have known for twenty-five years now that tending to the house and finances are far from my strong suit. When asked how I can limit my weaknesses, the first thing he said was time management. I agree. I have been the kind that refuses to make a schedule and has a “fly by the seat of your pants” mentality. This kind of mindset is detrimental in school, home, and life, in general.
I enjoyed watching all the team videos. It seemed like the running theme in all the videos with married couples was time management. Balancing a schedule for God first, then family, church, ministry, entertainment, and financial planning. I desperately need a mentor that can teach me these skills and hold me accountable to a schedule. I have asked several friends to pray for me in this area specifically. My husband would like to see me more consistent in Bible reading and prayer. He does not know that every day, the first thing I do is open my YouVersion Bible App from Life Church. I spend time praying, reading two – three devotionals, then using the note section to type out what I learned that day. However, I do agree that I need to be more consistent. Sometimes I allow other situations to distract me from that time with the Lord. It is important to him that I strive to understand him better and study his likes and dislikes. I should learn how to love him in his love languages, even if it is uncomfortable for me. His love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation.[16] Just because I have never been the kind of person to be affectionate, does not mean that he is not worth the practice. I have been learning and practicing communication skills and tools. Now, I should practice applying them in a more consistent manner.
The next part of this section deals with my weaknesses in biblical theology, my relationships in the church, practical ministry weaknesses and how these weaknesses may prove to be detrimental in my seminary experience. He does not feel he is qualified to answer my weaknesses in biblical/theological understanding and what I can do to address them. He himself has an issue understanding the Bible. After listening to a sermon or someone else’s theology on a biblical subject and he cynically criticizes it the way Chad Thornhill warns against in Team Video 6, what he considers, “bad critical thinking.”[17] Also, when he is speaking with someone and encouraging them by referencing the word, he never references it correctly. Moving on to personal relationships in the church body. I have a bad habit of not staying connected with friends. This is a learned behavior since I have connected with ladies in the past, called them regularly leaving messages or texting and they failed to reply or call me back. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought, they are too busy. Until I realized that I am busy too, but I still have time to contact them. I have prayed for over twenty years for God to bless me with one or two good friends, since I moved to Florida (originally from New York.) The Lord has something else in mind for me. He suggested that I try again. There are four ladies that I can stay connected with to forge a deeper spiritual relationship with, it just takes time, effort, and prayer. For me to develop better discipline in the practical application of ministry, he suggests that I start attending the ladies Bible study at the church regularly. Their influence on me will encourage my practice of ministry.
These weaknesses may prove detrimental to our seminary experience. In his understanding, if I continue to become more inconsistent in my walk and worship of Jesus, it will take me away from the Lord. I will begin allowing the responsibilities of schoolwork, family life, schedules, and finances to distract me from him and my primary purpose. This behavior will only leave me open and vulnerable to being taken advantage of by another man. If that happened again, it would cause a greater hardship in our marriage than we have experienced that would be nearly impossible to come back from. It will also cause me to rely on my own strength to minister and conduct the business of life halfheartedly and without effect. I appreciate that we now turn to positive reinforcement and reflect on opportunities.
Opportunities Stemming from Seminary
This section now turns into a joint reflection on our seminary experience as a couple. He considers personal relationships in the church body our greatest weakness in spiritual formation. I have been the kind of person that enjoys meeting with friends, being involved in church functions, serving at church, and forming small groups but he is the opposite. He likes to stay home in his comfort zone. When I can encourage him to participate in something outside of the home, he has a good time. It is getting him out that proves to be a struggle. He had no suggestions regarding my assistance in cultivating a relationship that turns that weakness into an opportunity. He, however, suggested he would like to be out in the battlefield for Christ. He wants me to limit my expectations on him and understand his limitations. Based on his personality, the only way he wants me to challenge him to participate is through prayer. I concur. Next up is the opportunity to constructively criticize seminary and its threats.
Threats Stemming from Seminary
The biggest challenge that we will face relationally because of my pursuit of seminary is his feelings of insignificance in my life, finding time together, staying spiritually connected to show the fruit of the Spirit, fighting attacks from the devil (which he relentlessly pursues), and finding ways to enjoy seminary. Directly due to infidelity, he is highly suspicious of any friendships I might make online. It causes great emotional hardship for him. He is leery of any emails I might receive, send, or any communication in the online student center. He stated that I am intellectual and am attracted to intellectuals. This includes suspicions about professors. He believes that he is not just moderately intelligent but downright dumb. I disagree with him. I get upset when he puts himself down or talks badly about himself. He is not deterred by my admonishment. Although this type of mindset is a vicious cycle, I can understand that he is still healing from the past. He had great recommendations to addressing these threats including (1) Submit to one another; (2) Putting on the “Armor of God” daily; and (3) Renewing our minds daily in the word, separately and together. [18]
Conclusion
There are several actions I must take to include my family in my education and facilitate their spiritual formation. My husband is first and foremost on my list of importance. For both our emotional well-being and sanity, we must get out of the house and attend group meetings at the church and regularly attend a weekend service. This will keep us from isolating ourselves from the world and one another. Next, my husband and I must bring back our commitment to pray together. If, at first, he is unwilling, I will pray over him (hands on). Plus, I will continue praying in my personal time with the Lord, the prayers in, How to Stay Christian in Seminary, for my husband and his hurting soul right now. We are going through many “trials and tribulations 101” right now that require undivided attention.[19] When my flesh wants to lash out at him because he is not meeting my expectations, I will pray and provide for him much needed undivided attention. This is a way that I can make love, a verb. Lastly, I included my daughter in my seminary experience by having the privilege of leading her to Christ which led to our forming a spiritual bond through Bible reading, prayer, and journaling together, daily. What a joy to be God’s child.
My husband and I had an in-depth conversation about my personal strengths and weaknesses. How to maximize the effects of my strengths and minimize the effects of my weaknesses. What opportunities and threats we may discover in seminary education; how to maximize the opportunities and inoculate the threats. Now, all that is left is application of the plan. I will be praying more fervently in my daily time with God for my husband and his increased desire to be actively involved in the formation and growth of our ministry and spiritual formation. I will continue to enable his healing in whatever way God deems acceptable by making love, a verb. Also, including him in my email writing/reading and my online student life. Most importantly, not letting any distractions deter me from quantity and quality time with my husband and family.
[1] Benjamin K. Forrest, Exploring the Spiritually Formative Experiences of Female Seminary Spouses: A Phenomenological Inquiry (diss. EdD., Liberty University, 2013).
[2] Ibid.
[3] John Druden and Debra Druden, “Presentation: Team Video 4” (video of lecture, Liberty University Online, 2013), accessed September 12, 2016, Blackboard.
[4] David Wheeler and Debbie Wheeler, “Presentation: Team video 7” (video of lecture, Liberty University Online, 2013), accessed October 10, 2016, Blackboard.
[5] David Mathis and Jonathan Parnell, How to Stay Christian in Seminary (Wheaton: Crossway, 2014), 60-61.
[6] Unless otherwise noted, all biblical passages referenced are taken from the NIV Version (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2011).
[7] Jerry Pipes and Victor Lee, Family to Family: Leaving a Lasting Legacy (USA: Pipes, 1999), last reprint 2016.
[8] Rod Dempsey and Patti Dempsey, “Presentation: Team Video 5” (video of lecture, Liberty University Online, 2013), accessed September 27, 2016, Blackboard.
[9] Pipes and Lee, Family to Family, iii.
[10] Dempsey, “Team Video 5” (LUO, 2013).
[11] Pipes and Lee, Family to Family, 23.
[12] Ibid., 25.
[13] Ibid., 33.
[14] Ibid., 69.
[15] Mathis and Parnell, Stay Christian in Seminary, 60-61.
[16] Gary Chapman, Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Chicago: Northfield Pub, 2015).
[17] Chad Thornhill, “Presentation: Team Video 6” (video lecture, Liberty University, 2013), accessed September 29, 2016, Blackboard.
Bibliography
Chapman, Gary. Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago, Illinois: Northfield Publishing, 2015.
Dempsey, Rod, and Patti Dempsey. “Presentation: Team Video 5.” Video of lecture, Liberty University Online, 2013. Accessed September 27, 2016. Blackboard Classroom.
Druden, John and Debra Druden. “Presentation: Team Video 4.” Video of lecture, Liberty University Online, 2013. Accessed September 12, 2016, Blackboard Classroom.
Forrest, Benjamin Kelly. “Exploring the Spiritually Formative Experiences of Female Seminary Spouses: A Phenomenological Inquiry.” EdD diss. Liberty University, 2013. Accessed October 10, 2016. Blackboard Classroom.
Mathis, David, and Jonathan Parnell. How to Stay Christian in Seminary. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway, 2014.
Pipes, Jerry, and Victor Lee. Family to Family: Leaving a Lasting Legacy. Lawrenceville, Georgia: Jerry Pipes Productions, 1999. Last reprint 2016.
Thornhill, Chad. “Presentation: Team Video 6.” Video lecture, Liberty University, 2013. Accessed September 29, 2016. Blackboard Classroom.
Wheeler, David, and Debbie Wheeler. “Presentation: Team video 7.” Video of lecture, Liberty University Online, 2013. Accessed October 10, 2016. Blackboard Classroom.
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